I’ve been riding this roller-coaster all along, partly terrified, partly thrilled, hanging on for dear life. But now I’m tired and I want to get off. Maybe it’s an age thing, a sign I’m finally growing up, that maturity wants peace and stability, not risk and unpredictability. What ever the reason, it’s time for things to settle down a bit.

The only problem is that whoever is in charge of this ride, can’t hear me. They seem to have no intention of slowing down, let alone stopping and I’m starting to panic because I want to get off, really, really, want to get off. Maybe if I keep shouting, yelling, screaming, they’ll hear me…
STOP! I want to get off!!!

I feel like thunder and lightening are nature’s way of reminding us she’s there, a little nudge to say “er…I’m in control!” Whether it’s by flood, wind, lightening, drought or earthquake, nature always takes back what she wants, it really is that simple. So when it’s thundering and lightening is ripping through the sky, I just think of old mother nature shuffling around and grumbling that the human race is ruining her beautiful planet.

Do you ever get the feeling that destiny has a path in mind for you and you just don’t realise it?

I believe my beloved D was sent to me, to help me see destiny’s path, yet I struggled and fought back because it wasn’t by my design, I wasn’t in control! STUBBORN!!

18 months ago I took a job I really didn’t want, it wore me down, upset me and deep down I knew I really didn’t want to be there. I would get home and off load pent-up frustrations and anger on D and following nearly every rant, D said - “leave”. I didn’t. STUBBORN!!

Last night, as the rain poured down and a storm raged outside, I was cooking, barefoot. I felt relaxed and the happiest I have felt for a long while and I questioned myself - why??

I have been fighting all this time against the inevitable and the moment I stopped fighting, everything is falling in to place! The journey was so difficult because I was determined it should be my way, but destiny is more stubborn than me!

Now I know what I want, I know how I want my life to be and I know that I want to share it all with D.

1. Starting counseling sessions
2. Beginning to learn about and understand myself
3. Loosing two grandmothers
4. Seeing Paula grow and become a mother

Combined with inconsequential things like the sun arriving, certain films (Brokeback Mountain & I Am Legend), songs such as Same Mistake, it really does all lead to one thing…

LIFE IS TOO SHORT…

…to analyse and worry about every single thing; Learn about yourself and understand why you think a certain way, learn to let go of things which are beyond your influence.

…to do things because they’re the ‘right’ thing to do; Be selfish sometimes, be bad, but always with kindness.

…to follow your head too much, to hide feelings and emotions; Trust your gut instincts and your heart, speak your mind.

…to be sorry; Have regrets but understand that there’s nothing you can do now and move on. Or if you can do something, don’t let it be a regret - see above statement.

Life really is just too short and I wish it hadn’t taken me thirty years to work that out.

I have so many conflicting emotions, it’s almost impossible to express them all at once! I am so happy and excited for her, this means so much to her and therefore, so much to me. I love her like a sister and I know she is terrified of the coming hours and the pain they will bring. I am scared for her too. After such anticipation and longing, she will finally meet the creations which have been growing inside her all this time, after all the strife and worry.

Yet with all the love and happiness I feel for her, I cannot help but think about my own little soul and sadness creeps in. I am not jealous - how could I be, when I have never seen her so happy?! But there is an envy lurking, a desire, a wish for a second chance. A chance I don’t even know that I’ll get…I can only hope.

I am happy and sad, excited and worried, and my heart is full of love whilst it’s breaking with every breath.

I think how lucky I am that I have a great family despite their quirky-ness and insanity! I have wonderful parents and my darling sister who is far away and whom I miss very much indeed.

I have life-long friends whose advice I often seek and whose troubles I am always willing to hear. I have people in my life who do not judge me but will tell me the truth.

There is an amazing man at my side, to whom I am truly thankful for so many things. He irritates the hell out of me sometimes but I love him so much and am so lucky that he stood by me through all the strife, no-one else could have done that.

My health seems to be improving with no serious upsets of late and I’m progressing well with counselling despite how difficult it is sometimes.

Finally, I have a job which pays the bills for the roof over my head.

There are people with absolutely none of the above. I count myself lucky, very lucky indeed.

There are times when we desperately want to be given a second chance, to make up for messing things up the first time around. We’ve learnt from our mistakes and want to use the luxury of our hind-sight to put things right.

There are times when people want you to give them a second chance, to give them the opportunity to prove themselves better than they once appeared to be.

But life doesn’t always let you put things right or someone just doesn’t have the strength or will to let you try again.

Sometimes, second chances just don’t happen.

There are second chances I desperately want and hope for. There are second chances I am simply not prepared to give.

So when you get a chance the first time around, just don’t f**k it up, you may not be able to put it right, you may not get that second chance.

Everyone was waiting for you and I hope you enjoy the party! Dance, laugh and give everyone my love.

Goodbye dear vó-vó.

My heart broke with longing to speak with my real grand-ma, not this garbling child-like creature which had taken over her mind. But she was not there any more, not really; there was no bringing her back either. The alzheimers had taken her memory, her knowlegde, her personality, her life. Piece by piece, day by day we lost her.

I am suffering the heart-break of a grand-daughter. My mother on the other hand, has essentially lost her mum. I cannot imagine her heartbreak, her sense of loss. She has accepted nan is no longer the woman she was and that she does not even recognise her own daughter any more.

So we wait now, as her breath becomes more laboured and her will to live weakens by the moment. We wait as her tiny form gives up and refuses even to drink or eat. We know there will be a call for us soon and so we wait because that is all we can do.

I have wondered if returning to my roots and traditional confession could help me. But why should I be forgiven for my sins by someone else? I know I am a good person deep down and whether I believe in heaven or hell is irrelevant. I am the one who has to forgive myself for my sins, I am the one who has to live with them even if I can’t forgive myself. God or no God, forgiveness or no forgiveness, it is I who must deal with all my crap and work out how to get through it all.